(I wrote this short (just 1500 words-ish!) fic in response to one of the questions I received on my Ask BroDad blog — my thanks for reaching 100 followers! <3 I enjoyed this, I may need to do this for other answers in the future!)
Title: Sexting Ain’t Easy
Characters: Bro Strider, Dad Egbert
Rating: M. Sort of.
Prompt: Anonymous: “What about sexting?”
Summary: Egbert is at work one day when Bro decides to take it upon himself to send him inappropriate text messages. Much to his displeasure, Egbert doesn’t play along very well.
Bro: Simple: I don’t know. Whatever did happen to them, they must not have cared very much about me in the first place, ‘cause they clearly abandoned me in the middle of the city. No note or nothing, it was just me and Lil’ Cal out there when some hapless sap found us and brought us to the police. DFPS got involved, and they tried to find my parents.
Bro: They never did.
Bro: Y’think I would’ve gotten adopted by someone, being a healthy male infant and all. But heh, I guess nobody else really wanted me either, so maybe my biological ‘rents were onto something. I think part of it was the eyes. They got darker when I got older, but they were bright orange when I was younger. Not normal. And I guess I was a little freak even back then.
Egbert: You are not a freak, Broderick.
Bro: Yeah, well, there’s a lotta people who’d disagree with you there. I mean, I was what, six months old when they found me? Old enough to crawl, at any rate. The first emergency home I got placed in, there was this glass case in the hall, right? Held some kind of trophy or something, I dunno. I guess I managed to scale the fucking thing, break the glass and knock over the trophy, and just sat there in the middle of the thing, cooing or some such shit like that. Don’t blame them for getting a little freaked out over that. I got up to a lot of weird shit when I was a kid. Did you know foster families can return you? ‘Cause that happened more than once over the years.
Bro: Eh, whatever. As soon as I turned 18, I got the hell out of there. Found a shitty one-bedroom apartment to call home and a job at a seedy convenience store to scrape up some money to pay the rent. Six months later, I found Dave. And it was like a fucking mirror into the past. His eyes, y’know? They looked like mine. He even looked a little bit like me, with the hair color and all. And the kid was just all alone in the world. Like me. And I knew there was no fucking way I was dooming him to the kinda life I had growing up, so I took him in, and the rest is history.
Bro: As for the smuppets… the idea came to me in a dream. No, seriously, hear me out. I had a raging fever and was tripping balls on codeine, and I decided to take a nap and had one of those really fucking bizarre fever-induced dreams. The basic gist of it involved Gonzo the Great and Kermit the Frog having a baby, which happened to be sporting the most bulbous rear ever. J.Lo ain’t got nothing on that ass. And I woke up from it thinking, holy fucking Christ on a cracker this is it. Come on, Gonzo’s nose, Kermit’s eyes, and the Strider’s vision of the perfect rump… doesn’t get much better than that. I started making some concept sketches when I woke up. Some things changed a little bit in the process, the Kermit eyes started drifting further and further apart, and I flipped Gonzo’s nose around… and things pretty much spiraled from there.
oh god the foster care part is really heartwrenching but when i got to the smuppets part i stopped breathing for a second
It truly was the perfect combination of questions in one ask. And I figured a laugh was well-deserved after how depressing the foster care bit got. xDDD
Oh, I’m so glad you like it so far! :D I’m really enjoying it, I like kind of giving them their own story in the context of the blog, and it’s a good way to get a feel for how I want the sequel of HWHAP to go. I’m sorry I’ve been so absent on it lately — I’m actually not even supposed to be on Tumblr at all right now, aha, I should be working on my final project that’s due tomorrow… but if I’m not too dead on Tuesday night after my last exam from 4:00-6:00, I have plans for a post then, and then we’ll be back in business! Thank you for your patience! <3
Bro: I guess I’d say that it’s pretty good? Not gonna lie, it was pretty awkward for a while due to an incident about three years ago when he rejected Dave and I crawled into his bedroom window to go all Papa Wolf on him and set the record straight. But we’re cool now. I get to bury him in smuppets at unexpected intervals, and he gets to try to prank me back. I say try because no one can truly prank Bro Strider.
Egbert: Heaven forbid that someone succeed.
Bro: Okay, fine, you’re the only one who can succeed, Mr. Master Prankster. But yeah, I dunno if you’d call it special “step-and-kid” kinda occasions, but we do bond over things, like trying to team up against Dave. And I’ll watch his stupid shitty movies with him for the irony of it all.
Egbert: On my end of things, I’d say that Dave and I do get along rather well. He still calls me “Mr. Egbert” even though I have told him that it’s fine if he wants to call me Egbert or even Dad, but whatever makes him most comfortable. We have done things together as a family, and he has also recently joined me during my evening walk if he wishes to talk to me about something. Such as the other evening, he wanted to talk about his relationship with his boyfriend, so I was glad to lend an ear.
Bro: Say what?
Egbert: He said he didn’t want to talk to you about it because he knows that anything he tells you about him and Tavros will get back to Rufio. And I’m inclined to agree; you two are quite the gossips.
Bro: That little bitch. And duh, Rufio’s my bro, of course we’re gonna swap details about our kids. That’s what bros are for.
Egbert: If you say so, Broderick.
Oh no Dad being a Dad for Dave oh gosh I
I have family feels
Family feels are the best feels. C: I just really like the idea of Egbert being that father figure that Bro never was for Dave. Because as much as Bro cares for Dave and raised him all alone and everything, he does act more like a big bro than a dad. And Dave kind of subconsciously wants that kind of acceptance from Dad, and Egbert is more than happy to be there for him, and they all make up this weird little family together. <3